The #1 thing holding you back on the water
For many years, come October or November, when the air would begin to turn crisp in the Pacific Northwest and the rain started to fall, I would travel to the northern lagoons of Brazil to train. Brazil is a mecca for windsports and boasts some of the steadiest and best wind in the world. Coupled with the fact that it was hot, hot, hot and I could ride in a bikini, the pilgrimage to the promised land was enthusiastically made alongside friends and dozens of other professional kiteboarders. We would stay in hostels or pousadas, rent little cars or beach buggies and spend weeks lagoon-side kiteboarding. It was eat, sleep, kite, repeat in its truest form.
It was a ton of fun.
Despite spending an immense amount of time on the water, I still doubted myself. I had a really difficult time letting go of the fear of looking stupid or feeling like I looked stupid. Whenever I was on the water riding, I was often looking over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching me. And not in a performative way.
In a "I really hope no one is looking at me" way. I did not want people to judge me. I did not want to be seen failing. I was paralyzed by this fear of failure. If people were watching, I'd hold back from trying a trick, afraid of crashing and looking stupid.
You can imagine how much progress I made like this.
This fear didn't come out of nowhere. Growing up, I was constantly told I wasn't good enough. After my mom died when I was 16, I spent my formative years hearing variations of "you're not smart enough," "you're not good enough," "you should be further along by now." Those messages burrowed deep into my heart and became the lens through which I saw myself.
By the time I was kiteboarding professionally in my twenties, that anxiety had cemented itself. Every time I looked over my shoulder to see who was watching, I was really checking: who's going to confirm what I already believe about myself? Who's going to see me fail and prove I'm not good enough?
That's why the Brazil story is so hard to share. I wasn't just afraid of falling, I was afraid of being exposed as the imposter I believed I was. I didn’t feel good enough.
But here’s the truth.
No one cares as much as you think they do.
Have you ever been on a Zoom call? Heck, we went through a global pandemic, I know you’ve been on a Zoom call. So when you’re on that Zoom call, where are you looking the majority of the time? At yourself!
We can’t help it! Or have you ever been in a workout class with wall-to-wall mirrors? We stare at ourselves 90% of the time. Does my hair look good? Ok check.
No one cares as much as you think they do.
No one is as absorbed in your life as you think. You are not the center of the universe. And honestly? That's liberating. Once you accept that everyone is focusing on their own reflection, you're free to be more of YOU. You can stop performing and start living.
This was what held me back on and off the water for quite a long time—fearing what other people would think and comparing myself to other people.
Gosh it was exhausting.
We build up all of these stories about how we think we look and how other people are judging us but most of the time that’s not even true!
The #1 thing holding you back on the water is probably not because you don’t have the skills but your own ego afraid of being judged.
My invitation to you, next time you go out for a session, remember how much of a badass you are!
Here are a few of the reminders we share at our camps and retreats:
It is SUPER cool that you are out there doing windsports. There is a very tiny percentage of the world’s population that gets to do these sports. The fact that you have the strength, stamina and desire to get out there and get after it is PHENOMENAL. Acknowledge yourself.
Start to celebrate yourself more. Build on the tiny wins. Did you put your wetsuit on? High five! That is hard work. Attempted a new trick and fell flat on your face. Yes queen! Way to go.
Help someone else. See someone else struggling? Lend a helping hand or give a tip. When we share our knowledge, our confidence naturally rises because we’ve done something of service. When in doubt, focus out.
I hope this serves you.
If you’re craving more of this type of transformation, join us at camp! Our next retreats in Mexico and Hood River are now live.